Finals were last week. I finished them all with a bit of a whimper. I was really ready to be done with classes. I questioned the point. I asked myself if grades really matter to anyone but me. (Do they, honestly? Is anyone going to care what grade I got in a random class in community college? I really doubt it.) I wondered why I was putting myself through all of this. I talked about school at the beginning of the semester, before things had started to overwhelm me. Reading it again, I seemed so positive, so hopeful! At some point, I lost that. Possibly it was when I realized that my theater teacher was making the class very difficult for working students. (A weekday, daytime meeting requirement, really? Isn’t that the point of online classes? That they’re flexible for working students? Meh.) Maybe it was when I realized that most of the students in my classes were basically incapable of analyzing anything, and that I was doing way too much work to get the same grades as they would get. Maybe it was just because I lost the plot somewhere after the midterms. I still got my stuff done. I managed ultimately to get, I’m pretty sure, three As (in history and my two music survey classes) and a C (in theater – I could say a lot of mean things, but I’ll just say this: if you want a paper that’s 5-6 pages, tell me that; if you say you want the paper to be 4-5 pages, and I hit 4.5 pages, do not say it is on the short side! No! It is not! It is right in the middle. So there). I’m pretty satisfied with that. The perfectionist side of me is kicking myself for every point that I lost in that theater class that would have given me a C. Despite the fact that I lost 100 points (of 1100) because I couldn’t justify taking four or five hours off of work to go and watch a video of a play I’d already read (and he offered no alternative other than trying for extra credit in the discussion boards), I still blame myself. Surely I could have done something else to make up the points, right? Yeah, whatever. I vacillate between kicking myself and being overwhelmed by apathy about it. Either way, it’s over. So, this semester is done.

Before the semester ended, I made a few decisions. I was not going to take full time classes through the end of the year. This was my original plan. I’d have an Associate of Arts by the end of the year if I did. It would look really great to achieve that much! But that’s for students who have part time jobs or even no jobs at all. I can’t justify the sacrifice of life and sanity to get a degree that doesn’t actually achieve anything for me. I won’t get a raise or promotion because I have an associate’s degree, particularly in arts! That’s just not what IT departments are looking for, I’m pretty sure. So I dropped three of my classes for summer term and registered only for two classes in the fall. I’ll probably need to do classes next spring and summer, too, just to make sure I get all the classes I need for my degree, but with every semester, I’ll be getting a little closer. And, since I wouldn’t be pushing myself so hard, I’ll retain my sanity. That’s always a positive, I think.

In the last week, I decided to read one of the books that I go to when I want some comfort. It took me about one day to read through it, so then I picked up one of the books I brought in and sat up on the shelf on my desk before the semester started, when I thought I would still have time to read now and then. (That didn’t so much happen. They’re all a little dusty at this point.) I finished that one the next day. That night, we went to Barnes & Noble, just because. I bought two books. I started that one the next day and finished it last night. Then I started on the other book I bought. I’m reading it today at work (Friday! Whoo!) with every intention of finishing it today, unless things get crazy and busy. I have two books on my shelf here at work and at least two at home that I haven’t read before. I’m predicting that I’m going to run out of new books to read before the new semester starts up.

What I’ve really discovered is that it’s amazing what you miss out on when you have to sacrifice self in a busy schedule like I was living. I lost track of myself, and I really bottled everything up, because I didn’t want anyone else to see how hard it was on me. Earlier this week, as I was driving home from work, I basically lost it on the way home. I started sobbing, and I couldn’t stop. I cried halfway home, then came home and cuddled Beethoven for as long as he would let me hold him. Then he deserted me. My kitties, for once, couldn’t seem to tell that I needed them. So I took a nap. And when I woke up, I still felt off, but better. We went to the bookstore that night, and I started to feel more alive than I’ve felt in four months. I was reliving interests that I’ve had to put aside, not only for lack of time but also for lack of money. (We’ve been pretty ruthless with ourselves, and there just wasn’t money to buy books or many other fun things in past months.) We got coffee and meandered through the bookstore. I remembered what it feels like to find so many books that are begging to be taken home and to have to practice the self-denial which usually still involves buying two or three books. (I only got two! I was so proud of myself!) It felt like a piece of myself came back to me.

Now I’m reading voraciously, and thinking about imaginary characters in imaginary places and disappearing into their worlds for a little while. And then when I come back to real life,  I feel more alive again, like it’s easier to handle again. I’ve missed books. I didn’t realize how much I missed being able to read because I wanted to read, not because I needed to for a class. And it feels like, with the re-introduction of reading to my daily schedule, I have regained a piece of myself that has been dormant for months. It feels wonderful. I’m hopeful that I can avoid a repeat of this mania at the end of every semester to follow.

Hello, me! I missed you!

As the semester inches toward a close, I’m left considering the next two semesters. I’m losing my mind right now with how much I have going on. I’m not good with this much to do. I need a break now and then! So while I had lofty plans to get my associate of arts by the end of the year by pushing through three full-time semesters, I think I would kill someone if I tried two more at full time. So it’s time to pull back.

I’ve contacted the Cleveland Institute of Music and arranged to start voice lessons for their summer term, so that’s one thing right there. That’s half an hour per week – plus travel time – that I’ve committed myself to doing. I couldn’t possibly take full time classes at the community college again. I’ve decided to pull back to one or two classes. It will cost a little bit more in the long run to do it this way, but I’ll save on sanity, and that’s worth it. So maybe it will take a little longer to get the degree, but at least I’ll stay somewhat sane.

In other news, maybe I should stop blogging and get back to dealing with schoolwork.

I’ve started classes at Cuyahoga Community College (Tri-C) for fifteen credit hours this term. I’m taking Survey of World Music, Survey of European Classical Music, US History since 1877, History of Theater and Drama I and a half-semester of College Composition II which starts early next month. All of them are only online, which leaves me a lot of freedom in completing the assignments. I do the majority of my homework while I’m at work. It’s been working pretty well when I’m able to focus. (Sometimes these music books just cannot hold my attention no matter how hard I try!)

So far I feel really good about my classes. I’m maintaining good marks on pretty much everything, and I know that I can’t be doing too poorly if I’m agonizing about a couple of points here or there. We even had a good discussion in my theater class this last week about Medea. The previous ones were forced at best, but it seems like people are reading a little more deeply into the plays and I enjoyed the discussion that resulted. This week we’re reading Lysistrata and next week, The Twin Menaechmi. Coming off of several Greek tragedies in a row, I’m looking forward to a little comedy! My music classes involve listening to a lot of music and analyzing it, which apparently I’m pretty good at. My history class discussions have left much to be desired so far, but I feel like I’m still doing fairly well in the class. We have our first exam in that class this week, and I’m done with my first of two essays. The question-and-answer part gets posted tomorrow, so hopefully I’ll be all done with that class for the week soon.

Sometimes I feel like I must be out of my mind to even consider taking classes full time as well as working full time, but it seems to be alright so far. It’s overwhelmed me a few times, but I just try to take it one day and one assignment at a time. If I can manage that through the end of the semester, then maybe I can repeat it in the summer semester and in the fall. If I can manage that, then I’ll be almost all the way, if not all the way, to an associate of arts by the end of the year! Once I have that, I’m not sure what I’ll do afterward. Ultimately, I’d like to get a bachelor’s degree in something related to music, something that will allow me to sing. I know it isn’t the most logical major, but it’s what I want, and I think it’s worth the risk.

I’m finally back in school. I’m really glad!

I can’t say that I haven’t missed it since then. I have missed it terribly. It made it hurt a bit and helped me to miss it even more when I realized how present it had been during my formitive years, and how much of my identity was tied up in it.

I can’t say that I’ve ever been a particularly talented musician. I could hold my own in band on the flute, and by merit of a small section could also keep up when I played the oboe. Choir was my joy, though. I started that in high school because I needed an extra elective, not expecting that I would fall in love the way that I did. Dr. Dwight Uphaus was the teacher there at the time, and he was so goofy that he kept me entertained, so earnest that he kept me interested and so encouraging that he kept me involved. I went to solo contest that year as the only freshman who was in the competition itself – I was getting a real score. If I remember right, I got a II+, which wasn’t too shabby for a frosh who had never sung for a competition before. I remember being terrified. My throat dried up and I sang the entire song feeling like my mouth was stuffed with cotton. Somehow, though, “Christopher Robin Is Saying His Prayers” came off and I was charming enough that the judge gave me more than a nod and a smile afterward. She talked to me and gave me some pointers about what I could do better.

I remember moments like that, moments of triumph even as I feel like I’m on the verge of failure, and I feel a little wistful. It’s been three years since I felt the challenge of learning a new piece, of pushing my voice to what I think is its limit and then going just that little bit further and finding emotion where I thought none existed. It’s been three years since I felt the thrill of a tight harmony. I’ve missed it these three years, but one thing or another kept me from actually going back to it. First I was breaking up with a boyfriend, then I was moving, then I was settling in, then I was finding a new teacher, then I was struggling with mild depression, then I was starting a new job. After that… well, what has my excuse been this last year? I don’t have one now. I don’t think I ever really had one. I have a keyboard and a stack of music books at home. Why did’t I teach myself something?

I took steps recently to acquire a music teacher to get myself back to lessons. My voice is so out of shape now that I think I would only damage it if I tried to work myself the way that I’m used to doing. I found the Cleveland Institute of Music online and found that they had a “continuing education” section. Tuition seems reasonable (an 18-week session averages to about $25 per week, which seems good to me since it is a school, not a freelancing teacher). The summer session is shorter at only six weeks, which means it should run much shorter. I filled out an application form on the site and received an email back last week from the department chair clarifying some things and making preliminary plans for me to start up with lessons in the summer session, which starts on June 8.

It’s been three years since I got sick and had to leave the Portland Symphonic Choir, and three years since I stopped taking lessons.  I’m glad to be getting back to music, even if it’s something so simple as starting to take voice lessons again. It feels like I’m getting some of myself back.

Every time I go through the process of getting “into” a school, I’m reminded by just how much it sucks. There is no more eloquent way to articulate it: it sucks. First, there’s filling out the FAFSA, which is an adventure all on its own. Mine took me several disjointed times to finally get it all filled out, and even still, I have to wait for my mom to get back from her latest cruise before I can do anything further with it.

FAFSA, actually, is entirely silly. If I were to wait until the spring term, I would be able to file on my own, without needing any parental information. The reason being that I would be nearing 24, and would also be married. Somehow, these things make a huge difference in my independence, despite the fact that my parents will not be able to claim me as a dependent this year and indeed will not be sponsoring, cosigning or otherwise helping me out with my loans in any way. It’s a silly kind of rule, but in order for me to start school in the fall rather than waiting until the spring, I still need information from my mom. I was able to get the appropriate information, and now all I need is an electronic signature, which will just have to wait. It’s nice to know that’s done, though.

The next item on the list of Things To Do is to figure out which community college I’ll attend. We’re in the county for one of them, but it has a difficult website to navigate and I found it very frustrating. I also could find almost no online classes, which is a big problem for me, since I won’t be able to attend on campus unless it’s a once-a-week class. The other is out of county for me, but has ample online classes, including language classes. I know there will be times that I’ll have to go to the campus, for exams and such (at least that’s how it worked for the classes I took online in Oregon), but if there’s a window that includes Wednesday or Thursday (which my days off seem to alternate between), then I’ll be able to get down and take an exam at the college and still be able to work full time like I’m doing.

I’m excited for the prospect of getting back to school, especially now that I have a better idea of what I’d like to do “when I grow up.” I’m getting six or seven architecture books from someone who is studying architecture so I’ll see if maybe architecture would be a good career path for me. I’d like to take some culinary courses to see if perhaps a career in food is for me. Whether I study architecture, music or food, though, I’m bound to find some class or another that will be relevant to my ultimate pursuance of said career.

I guess, to put it bluntly, I’m going back to school, and darn it, I’m excited about it!

I’ll be perfectly honest, though – outside of the one architecture class I took in seventh grade as a one-trimester elective and the little knowledge I gleaned from my dad when he worked in construction, I know very little about what a career in architecture would entail. I did some searching to see if there were any classes locally, and unfortunately, none of the colleges around here even have courses relating to architecture. Portland State and the University of Oregon have programs, as does Ohio State, but all of them are a bit far away.

I’ll keep looking and if nothing else, I’ll learn a bit more about what it would entail from the wealth of the intarwebz. It’s just interesting that for something that I’m very apparently interested in, it never occurred to me that it could be something I’d be more involved in.

Anyway, buildings are cool. I still want to buy some graph paper and start sketching things out again like I used to do for fun.