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Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Wedding Day
Something that I feel more and more sure about as we distance ourselves from the day we got married is that I really didn’t want a wedding. If I’m totally honest with myself, I could even have skipped what we did. I think that our wedding day was more about our parents and my best friend being a part of it than about us making a statement of commitment. We were already committed. I would have been fine with signing the requisite forms, running around town and getting my name changed and calling it good. I think at least one of our parents would have been disappointed if we had done it that way, however. So we had a “wedding”.
We got married in September 2008 with Johnathan’s biological parents (step-parent was conspicuously absent), and my parents and step-parents, as well as Allison, said best friend. That was our “guest list.” Even now, I feel like it wasn’t about us, or even really for us. It was for them. Is that wrong? Maybe. Weddings are supposed to be about the couple coming together with friends and family to celebrate a new chapter in their lives.
Part of the problem with my perception of this day is probably that I don’t feel like it started a new chapter. No magical change came over us and changed our relationship. We didn’t behave any differently than we had before we got married, and I certainly didn’t feel any different. The only real change is that now people sit there and call me “Mrs.” and coo at me when they realize we’ve been married a “short” enough time to still be called newlyweds. Thankfully, I no longer get asked incessantly when we’re planning to reproduce, but these seem to be the things that define marriage.
We have no printed photos of that day. My step-dad took some pictures, my dad and step-mom did, and so did Johnathan’s mom. I’ve seen a fair number of the pictures – even had some of them emailed to me, but I have really very little interest in having them printed and put into our apartment to “show off.” It was just another day along the road to me. I think I’ll be more likely to post a photo of us when we finish our first 5K (which we’re planning to do, when we’re physically able!), when I graduate from college, or of us on some vacation. Those memories seem like they’ll mean more than the day we got married.
This doesn’t mean that I don’t value our marriage. I love Johnathan, and our relationship is very important to me. It doesn’t define me, but it is a very important part of my life. I fully believe that we would enjoy the same relationship as we have now, even if we hadn’t gotten married. It’s just financially beneficial to get married, not to mention that it simplifies things legally if one of us should ever get seriously hurt or sick. It also helps to show others that this is a serious relationship. A lot of people see even long-term live-in relationships as transient, not lasting. So I suppose us getting married is as much for the lack of hassle as it is for the financial benefit and legal simplification.
I read so much about the drama associated with weddings. They seem to bring out the worst in people – all people involved, sometimes. They can be beautiful and lavish, but I often hear more people complain about the process leading up to the wedding, about the day of, and then about the clean-up and catch-up afterward than I hear people praising their wedding day. Most brides claim not to have eaten all day and many say they can barely remember the day at all. So what’s the appeal? It holds none for me, though I’m sure some can find the silver lining in all the trouble and possible drama. I know weddings don’t have to be any of that, but the sheer number of weddings that are exactly that helped me feel more comfortable in our decision.
So, our wedding wasn’t dramatic or meticulously planned. We didn’t get any spectacular photos out of the day. I didn’t even really want it, though it was nice to get our parents together, even if they may never see one another again, and it was nice to see my family, if only for a short period of time. And I was glad when they went home, too. We got married without the pomp and circumstance. If I had it to do all over again, I’m not totally sure I would, but I would definitely still get married. I don’t regret that at all. It’s interesting to think about how my perception of that day which is supposed to have been so monumental for us has changed in just a year and a half, and how it hasn’t. I think our marriage and relationship are good. I don’t think that a wedding is my cup of tea.
Oh well. At least we’ll never need to do it again!
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