Tuesday, May 26, 2009

On Having Children

Posted by Laura / 2 comments » / , children, life, the future

I grew up buying into the standard outlook on life. I assumed that I would marry my Prince Charming, get a job that would be my 9-5 career, buy a home, and have kids. You know, the typical suburban outlook on life. Even through high school, I assumed that’s what my life would eventually become. I even hoped for it, though not, apparently, as much as my peers. I’d never imagined out what my wedding would be like, nor did I do anything more than think up names for kids – something that I think had more to do with my interest in names than in the kids that they would belong to. (Some of the ideas have since been used for characters or relatives of characters at various RPGs, so it isn’t as if they’re going to waste.)

I have since come to terms with the fact that my life may not be the “standard edition,” and that it’s okay to differ from what we learn early on is “normal.” I married someone that I love, and while I didn’t have the elaborate white wedding that many dream of, I feel like we were true to ourselves in the way we did it. That put a different color on the beginning of our life to begin with.

As I continue to mature and “grow up,” I’m finding that my thoughts turn toward children. Do I want them? I know I have plenty of time to decide, but it’s something that weighs heavily on me. There are times when I think that I want kids, without question. Then I might meet up with a particularly vocal child whose parent looks harried and wonder why anyone would inflict such torture voluntarily on himself. It’s not a very nice way of looking at it to be sure, but it does help me realize that right now would be a bad time to have kids, even if I were decided on having them.

I guess what I’m grappling with is the idea that it might be okay if we were to go through our lives without reproducing. I feel the biological urge to reproduce, to have children of my own, but that conflicts with my hesitance to give myself over to another small human’s wants and needs entirely for a portion of my life. I don’t know if I can do it. Right now, I feel like I’m too selfish in terms of interests and how I want to allocate our money.

This last weekend, I was overwhelmed by the urge, both mentally and physically, to have children. I wanted one right now, even though I don’t feel like we’re in the right place in our lives and that I’ve got plenty of time for it down the line. I guess I’m getting there. At least I seem to have decided that I do want kids – eventually. What’s left is just to change my mind approximately 400 times between now and the eventuality when we may actually have some.

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