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Saturday, June 28, 2008
Public Transportation Commandments
Over the last seven months or so of taking public transportation on an almost daily basis, I’ve gotten quite the list of annoyances. Here they are, my 8 commandments of public transportation. I have a feeling this will grow over time, but this is it for now.
1. Don’t occupy more than one seat.
If you have a bag, hold it on your lap or out it under your seat. Don’t put it on the seat next to you. Don’t be the guy who takes the outside seat on the train or bus and refuses to scoot over so someone else can sit down. If you are so incredibly large in the behind that you absolutely must take two seats, fine. Just promise me you will work with your doctor to lose some weight. Now.
2. Let people off before you try to get on.
I know we all get in a rush when we are commuting but for the safety and sanity of all those involved wait until everyone vacates the train or bus (or elevator) before you try to board. People may be trying to make a connection somewhere and your instance on shoving into the vehicle might be the last little thing that makes them late. Your bus or train won’t leave without you (usually). Plus, if you’re shoving your way through you’re slowing everyone down and the vehicle will spend longer at this stop than necessary because of you.
3. Don’t smell.
Anyone who has a job that doesn’t require them to be at a desk 100% of the time is going to work up a little bit of natural odor during the day. It happens. But if you smell like you haven’t showered in a week that is not okay. Maybe you took a shower this morning but your jacket hasn’t been washed since 1992 and you are a heavy smoker. That is also not okay. Heavy perfume or cologne? Not okay. It can make people gag.. Worst of all, if you smell like poop, expect to be thrown off the bus into a river. After being sprayed down with Lysol.
4. Use the back door to exit.
If your bus has two doors use the back door to leave because that’s what its there for. Using the front door to exit delays the people who are getting on and trying to pay their fare because they can’t board until you’re off the bus and that holds up the rest of us. Two reasonable exceptions are if you’re sitting in the priority seating at the front or if you have a bike in the rack on the front of the bus.
5. Don’t smoke at bus stops and train stations.
Here in Ohio this is state law. Depending on your city or state this may be transit system policy or state or local law. The signs that say “no smoking” apply to everyone. Yes, even you. No, just because its an outdoor place does not make it okay. Its rude. Stop it.
6. Don’t strike up a conversation just to deliver a sales pitch.
There is a young woman on my train that every morning and afternoon will strike up a conversation with the person next to them, sound interested in what they have to say, and then try to sell them weight loss supplements, energy drinks, and vitamins. She got me with this once. I made the mistake of thinking she was actually interested in talking to me, or even being flirtatious so I engaged in her conversation. Next thing I know I’m getting emails at work asking me when my wife (!) and I wanted to meet with her to go over her products with her. A few days ago she started talking to me again, but this time about babysitting her little brother when she was 12. Don’t be creepy like this! If you want to talk to someone that’s fine. But don’t pitch to them and stop talking if they look disinterested. This rule also applies to pyramid schemes and panhandling, through most panhandlers in Cleveland are also subject to rule three.
7. Stop noise pollution.
Your cell phone plays music? Awesome. Get headphones. You got a new ringtone? Cool. Test it out when you’re not in a metal box with a few dozen other people. A while back I was lightly napping on the bus and got jarred awake by “Dat dat dat dah dah, dat dat dat dat dah dah…” (also known as the Sonic The Hedgehog theme music). While I have to give the guy points for being nerdy enough to have this on his phone, I was over it when thePac Man and Dig Dug music started playing.
8. Control your children
Sometimes kids throw tantrums or are cranky. It happens. But if your child is running up and down the aisle of the bus or train screaming while you swear loudly at them from your seat and do nothing to actually control them you have earned yourself a spot on my “you suck” list. Seriously, the behavior of your child reflects on you whether you like it or not.
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