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Monday, September 17, 2007
The End of an Era
I think there comes a time when you realize that you’ve been pursuing an impossibility. For me, this has been the pursuit of a close and fulfilling relationship with my father and the woman he married. I lived with them from the time I was twelve until three weeks before I turned eighteen, and those were easily the most tumultuous years of my life. Puberty had something to do with that, but it was aggravated by constant self-doubt, a complete lack of self-esteem, and fear that at any time, I could be blamed for any number of wrong-doings, from forgetting to close the door all the way to eating too much at dinner time and end up grounded as a result. I spent a lot of time grounded.
Since I left their house, it has been a tug of war – sometimes them making more of the effort for contact, sometimes me. Usually I was left frustrated and upset by the visits and made the conscious decision to keep my distance, particularly after going with my stepmother and half sisters on a trip to see my dad in Kansas, where he was stationed for training before his deployment. I was treated as the babysitter. After we parted ways at the airport, there was no further contact between them and me, aside from the occasional mass email that goes out to anyone my stepmother has ever emailed. This is despite promises that when she was preparing for her second visit out to see him she would call me so that we could make preparations accordingly. Apparently I am a subpar babysitter, as they chose to take a friend’s son, aged about fifteen, passing my brother and myself completely.
On August 21, early in the morning, I emailed both of them about Johnathan’s and my engagement. After such rapturous congratulations from all the other parents involved, I was hopeful that despite our recent period of no contact, there would be a reconciliation of sorts, if only for a little while. Apparently I was misguided in my hopes and thoughts.
Here we sit on September 17, three weeks and six days since I sent the very carefully crafted email, and there has been no response. Not a single word from either of them. I had planned to resend the email, under the reasoning that there was a possibility that they had not received the email, or perhaps not checked it since the time I last emailed. This afternoon, I found myself a recipient of another of my stepmother’s mass emails. In it is a message forwarded from my dad, dated September 16. Clearly they are checking their email. Since the email also includes tales of the video chats between my father and his new family, it is obvious that it is also not the first time he has had web access since that date.
I am resolved not to try with them anymore. It causes me stress and frustration, and ultimately, disappointment. If they do not care enough to respond to what could easily be considered the biggest event of my life to date, then I do not care to try to include them anymore. This is the end. It hurts tremendously to do this, considering one is my own flesh and blood and the other a sort of make-shift second mother, but I can see no other way out of this situation that would allow me to retain my sanity. So, the end of an era. It’s time for the rest of my life.
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